For those looking for the short version of my World’s End
Ultramarathon 100K race report: Did Not Start
For those wanting a little insight how one could extrapolate
a race report from something I didn’t start, please read on:
When is a loss, a victory? Normally, it is usually hard to
extract the positive from the negative. Especially for me. However, my
experience this weekend at World’s End exists as one of those moments where I
can clearly gleam how I won.
(Let the record show that Jonathan Lantz actually won the
100K in an absolutely stunning time going sub 12 hours!)
Following my performance at Hyner, I felt really good about
my conditioning and mental confidence. My objective was to continue that trend
into WEU with a few smaller speed session races and managing my miles wisely.
You might even say I had a plan. Preliminarily, the plan was to again run using
my Nathan Peak waist pack filled with Tailwind and Shot Blocs. At designated
aid stations I would swap out the empty bottle for a fresh one while also
grabbing a reload of Blocs. Easy enough plan. Until….
The calendar flipped to May. Not sure the reason but almost
from the get-go May put a kink into my preparations. I blame some aligning of
the stars considering May was pretty rough on me last year with three DNF’s and
a DNS all while being in the thick of buying a house. Keep that in mind. This
year, May started with my annual call of jury duty in Philadelphia. For the
first time, I had to report on a Thursday instead of the usual Monday or
Tuesday. And in the only can happen to me, despite the room being half empty
and a light load, I was the first name called all day for a jury panel. Every
other year I have been sent home without being selected for a trial. Not this
time. I was Juror #1 for a trial that according to the judge would consume the
next week. Fine. Sure, I was two weeks out from Worlds End but I would have a
full week before the race to go back to normal. Normalcy is key here. My
personality is wired to not like change, particularly when it comes to
impacting my training/preparation structure. (Ok, so I really did not like the
initial jump from Office 2003 to Office 2007 either. My boss still doesn’t let
me live that down.) While the time I could devote to tightening race parameters
was narrowed, I still felt a good grasp of things. Until….
Trial moved into a second week. Not just for one day but
three additional days. I was bugging out. Despite having all my physical gear
ready, I started forgetting things like the 5am start time!!! And I still
needed to sit down with Peg and go over what I needed from her as my crew.
(More or less that talk was don’t let me quit in the middle of the race and
swap out bottles at specific aid stations.) You could say I was having a tough
time focusing. Now I was two days out!
Thursday, I was finally back in the office at work. I was
looking forward to the environment. Just putting my head down and getting stuff
done. Alas, car issues on the day created the possibility of needing to get a
last minute car rental for the trip. In the end, we managed to get the car
patched to drive to the race but for another chunk of time, my head was really
anywhere but the race.
Sadly, Friday started out with more of the same. My original
plan was to work remotely for half a day before driving up to World’s End. It
is the same exact plan that I used for Hyner and really worked well. This time,
however, work had a few big issues that were time sensitive. Not a typical
Friday in my department. Ugh.
Basically, what I am saying here is that for the two weeks
leading into World’s End, my head was anywhere but World’s End. At one point
Friday morning, I gave serious thought to not driving up. I really knew I was
behind the eight-ball when it comes to being 100% on my mental game. Still, Peg
and I drove up because you never know if that switch can flip. Driving was
pleasant. Our cabin was cute too. Things seemed to be looking like a go. We
even went to bed before expected.
If only that meant a good night of sleep….it didn’t. After a
few rock solid hours, I began to stir. And not in the ‘get up let’s go’ way but
more of the ‘why is my neck feeling pinched, let me adjust the pillow, damn
that is not working’ way. So my mind was alert and alive while it should have
been shut down more than our government. To me this was the writing on the
wall. Any trace of the hunger to start the race was gone. I viewed the moment
as a final sign I wasn’t prepared. Since Peg and I were both up at 3:30am when
we would have awoke anyways, we had a discussion about my decision. It went
something like this:
Me: ‘Are you awake?’
Peg: ‘Yeah’
Me: ‘Not racing’
Peg: ‘Why? Is this where I should tell you to suck it up and
do it?’
Me: ‘No, it’s not that case. I’m not ready for the race and
starting to likely end up with a DNF would be bad for my confidence and against
the progress I’ve been making since bottoming out at Steamtown.’
A bit more discussion happens but this is the general
portion that gets to the point of probably this whole non-race race report.
My decision was not made in the vacuum of this one race and
this particular point in time. It included the context of the past year that
did a fair amount of damage to my confidence. And when I say confidence, I mean
that feeling that I can go to the starting line and give it my all. For me, it
also contains that thought I have a shot to win or at least achieve my goals no
matter what gets through my way during the race. It’s the difference between a
personal best and a personal worst. Going with the decision to race from where
I was at most certainly would lead to the latter. Now you could say, how would
I know if I elected to not start the race. It is probably the hardest part to
explain because the answer from a measurable aspect was not attempted. You
might say it was a gut feeling.
There’s no denying last year, I broke myself. It’s still too
fresh and I’m still too fragile to think I’m completely hardened back up with
the success I’ve had since the DNS at Steamtown. Because of that, I knew really
the primary goal this year was to get myself back in order mentally as a
runner. And I’ve made huge strides in doing so but I’m not willing to undo all
the progress I’ve made at this point in time. (Even if it meant that I was to
lose out on my shot at the PA Triple Crown.) It’s probably the greatest lesson
I’ve learned as a runner and person.
One way, I can sit here and type this with a level of certainty
is due to how I handled the day after I made the decision not to start the
100K. It can be summed up this way: I stayed. In the past, when I’ve had some
less than desirable outcome, I wanted to be nowhere near the related race.
Steamtown, I left before the race started. With Cayuga, I hoping the car and
drove home. I couldn’t bear to be in those environments. This past weekend, not
only did I stay but Peg and I ended up hiking 9 miles of trails in Worlds End
State Park. 4 miles of which were included in the races. I wasn’t bothered by
being on trails with flagging. What I experienced was being at one with the
beauty of the natural surroundings I was in. Not only did I spend time hiking,
at a few points in the evening, I ventured over to the finish line to watch
finishers and talk to people I knew. I got to see John Johnson and congratulate
him on his 50K win. Not to mention congratulate Jonathan on his 100K
performance along with seeing Adam Russell gut out feeling sick to a tough as
nails 3rd place finish. Got to talk to Ryan Cooper about his Cruel
Jewel run while waiting for his wife Lori to finish an outstanding 2nd
for the women. Sadly, I didn’t see all my friends finish their races but they
were all in my mind.
Due to being able to be present, it reaffirmed an enormous
comfort in my decision to not start. I’d be lying if it wasn’t shocking that I
felt that way because it was surprising. It feels like a sign of growth that
maybe I’ll only understand. It certainly puts me in a position to look-ahead
and consider other possibilities with my year.
(Sorry Eastern States but I think you might be skipped for
something more enjoyable. Maybe the Call of the Wilds. Right now, I’m thinking
I might go up to Cayuga for the marathon distance. I have options, options that
will hopefully continue to lead me on a forward path.)
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read this report
of a race that didn’t go as planned for me but showed me something more.
You could say the growth was the best part of my weekend
because when we came home we discovered the refrigerator had decided it was
finished. (Plus, today, we found out our car had been rifled through.
Thankfully, nothing was taken.)
